Requiem

I think we have need of a modern change-ritual called Requiem. The purpose of Requiem is to more consciously complete life changes - child adoption, divorce, death, becoming adult, career shift, moving away, war, natural disaster, and so on. So many important changes go undigested because we lack an authentic ritual.

The term Requiem comes from the Latin, requies, meaning "to rest." Requiem is a safe space for people to come together and say the rest, feel the rest, express the rest, understand the rest, and finally come to rest in the new conditions.

For example, we have no completion ritual for ending long-term relationship. When I got divorced I did what I had to do to split up, but the process lacked elegance, dignity, and also completion. Even after years some people are still offended, still holding unfinished communications in their hearts, because children, parents, friends and relatives never all came together in a way that such an important transition deserves. We had no Requiem.

Most of us would admit to having painfully-unfinished messes in our lives. Our surface mask hides undigested heartache that if brought to Requiem would have a chance to heal. Even joyous reactions may fester if unexpressed. In Requiem, our rage, joy, sadness and fear can be shared, our opinions heard, and profound communications completed.

Sure, there are reasons for not coming together. These days our friends and family may be spread all over the world. Plane tickets cost money. Vacation time may be scarce. And expressing feelings is not easy. But if someone dies, many people would come to pay their respects at a funeral. A Requiem serves the same purpose: paying respects - to each other, to ourselves, and to a more loving and connected future together. Requiem helps us enter new circumstances with dignity. Here are a few guidelines for Requiem:

• When you or someone you know experiences a change that touches people and needs to be digested, set a date and send out an invitation to Requiem.

• Find a Requiem host - a person who is trained to hold space for the process. Reserve a room for one to three days and nights, depending on how many people will attend, and the severity of the change. The room should be carpeted and supplied with chairs, plenty of cushions and blankets, fresh drinking water, and healthy snack foods.

• The Requiem host is the first person to arrive and the last person to leave. He or she stays in the room all day (and all night, if needed) from start to finish, and has the ability to host meaningful conversations. As soon as two or more people are gathered the Requiem host says, "Let the Requiem begin."

• Requiem is a community of people gathered together in the name of Love. There are two rules to which participants must agree: 1) No alcohol or drugs. 2) Don't hurt (or threaten to hurt) yourself or anybody else. Then anything goes. People sit, stand, move, discuss, shout, blame, hate, scream, cry, defend, argue, mourn, dance, eat, sleep, ask daring questions, tell stories, sing, and keep going and going, everyone, all at once, until all is said and done.

• Whoever comes are the right people. Whenever they arrive is the right time. When people are hungry they bring out their food and share it. When people are tired they sleep. And, when it is over, it is over. This may seem like absolute chaos according to ordinary standards, but if the Requiem process is trusted it runs according to its own magnificent order.

• As the past is emptied, as the present fully arrives, when people are ready to create a new future together and the last people are about to leave, the Requiem host says, "This Requiem is ended." Then he or she closes the space.

Our culture will have this ritual as soon as you start using it. Your courage to go first makes you a leader of cultural change. I thank you for your courage.

Note to the reader: Requiem is a facilitated process, meaning that it is started, navigated, and completed by a Requiem host, specially trained to hold space in total chaos for as long as it takes, and then to bring it back to order in a new formation. If you are attracted to such a calling you already have the prerequisites. Requiem host training provides you with skills and distinctions not available in ordinary Western culture but required for navigating the strong feelings that may arise in Requiem so as to assure the safety and completeness of vulnerable communications.